Revival

I might not be 100% certain what I want, but I'm 100% certain that this is still not it ... yet.

Anyway, I welcome my own revival.

- Ruthibelle 

Back To School For Meeeeee!

I've been out of academia for almost a decade. Just saying that makes me feel like an old woman. But earlier this year, I sent in my application to study for an MSc. I hadn't really made the decision to do the MSc yet. I was just giving myself the option - just in case life ended up working out in a way that could accommodate it. I had no idea where the money would come from - or the time, for that matter.

Well, one bold move and three job changes later, here I am - doing my MSc. I'm actually doing this. And, to be honest, I'm as excited as you please, but I'm a little nervous too, because I haven't been a student in so long. I don't even remember what that feels like. I used to be great at school. I wonder if I still am. I used to be essayist extraordinaire. I wonder how long it will take to brush that skill off and get back into the research/writing groove. I used to be Miss Participation. I wonder if I will have the time or energy to do anything more than go to class and go home. I used to be Miss Ambition. I wonder if I even care enough to want to win or lead anything. Or if anyone would want me to (lol).

This is one of those moments when I'm full of anticipation and questions. I love school. I'm very clear on the fact that that sentiment hasn't changed. But now I work full time, and I have other responsibilities that eat into my time in significant ways. Now I actually have a life (lol, I'm now qualified to tell undergrads to get one).

It has been a wonderfully full life. And I'm not willing to surrender any part of it. How do I make room for more without exhausting what already exists? How do I expand myself and my life without diminishing the impact or importance of everything I am already part of? Is there room for more?

There has to be. The path has already been chosen, and the journey has already begun. And I think the people who preach abundance have the perfect advice for this situation: Think abundance, not limitation. There is enough room in your life for everything you need. You have the capacity and capability to excel in ALL areas.

It all has worked itself out so beautifully and effortlessly so far that I am honestly not perturbed about it. What did Desiderata say? Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Some Grace For Today

Put down pathetic and pick up POWERFUL. The day you decide, life obeys. Today could be the day … Change is one decision away. The right energy in the right space can turn you loose in the right ways … Refuse bondage, people. Life is too short to be a willing slave.

- Ruthibelle

Believe In & Go For Goodness' Sake!

Stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life really IS beautiful. Things really ARE going your way. And it is ALRIGHT to be alright. Breathe, and recognise that fear is unnatural and unhealthy.

I posted this to my Tumblr and Twitter, and then sat down to think about it. So many of us have been programmed to wait for the next thing to go wrong. We've been taught to live our lives in perpetual fear of various real or imagined undesirable scenarios. We fear death. We fear failure. We fear rejection, disappointment, poverty, heartbreak, disease, embarrassment, animals, people ... the list stretches on and on.

If we aren't critical, over time, these fears begin to feel like the normal pattern of our lives. We go through large stretches of life where we're either feeling troubled, avoiding trouble, dreading trouble,  in trouble, getting out of trouble ... It's all we can see, all we can think of, all we can talk about, and, eventually, all we expect. 

I recently made a big move in my life. I found it interesting to listen to the responses of friends and associates after I shared the news with them. Some responded with optimism and confidence in my ability. Some responded with congratulations and wished me well. Some expressed envy and hopes to make a similar move ... and some responded with cautionary tales and ominous-sounding cliches ... reminding me to watch out for ever-present trouble. I took away from each conversation fresh insight on how each person responded to the world. 

The ones that irked me the most were the people who seem particularly skilled at looking for the dark cloud behind every silver lining. For example, my news is a silver lining. Their response? Not so much. I heard people asking: 'Yuh sure yuh want do that?', 'Yuh sure is the right time?', 'Yuh talk to God bout it?' or 'Yuh sure this is the right one?'

1. I know some of these responses were well-intentioned
2. At first glance, they might seem sage and sanctified. But are they?
3. OR are these questions just expressions of habitual doubt and fear? 

I observed that the people asking these questions were usually the ones who are less inclined to ACT or DO. And their responses helped me to see why. Their questions are crutches for cowardice.

I know people who have spent more than a decade waiting for some obscure, mysterious, undefinable period/person known as 'the right time', 'the right one', or 'the right moment', or even 'God's time' - which often translates to 'no time', but never quite makes it to something useful, like 'no time like the present'.

These people live in chronic fear of making a decision, making a mistake, or of doing something that they believe will so devastate their lives, they will never be able to recover. The fear of being wrong so paralyses them that they convince themselves that they are better off with the discontent of the familiar, rather than the discomfort and uncertainty of the new. If you allow it, they will try to impose this kind of existence on you. 

My short formula to alleviate that nightmarish and futile cycle of doubt and inertia is:
- Weigh your options
- Weigh the pros and cons
- Make a decision
- Act!
Then take responsibility for your choice and make the most of it.

The friends who asked me these questions are the same ones who tend to think negatively about life. They hear good news, and immediately conjure up worst-case scenarios. They immediately try to throw dark clouds of worry over every new development. 

I have learnt to watch out for and avoid these kinds of people. Watch out for people whose every statement of caution comes tinged with portents of pain. Watch out for people who genuinely think they're saying things that will help you, but are actually introducing you to fear, doubt and double-mindedness. If you're not careful, under their influence, your life will start to seem like one everlasting exercise in pathetic 'coulda, woulda, shudda's.

Learn to celebrate when good things happen for you or others. Once all the necessary checks and considerations have been made - the decision to boldly go forward in life is one that ought to be met with enthusiasm and grace. Don't ignore the many kindnesses life offers you daily. Quit waiting for the next storm to appear. In a moment of peace, accept it and believe that this could be the way things stay for a very long time.

Peace is possible as a DAILY way of life. I know it. I live it. And I'm never going back.

Another Year, Another Lesson (Or What I Learned In 2017)

I wanted to say that 2016 was the best year of my life. Then 2017 came. And the kind of awesome it left in its wake had me gasping for breath and desperate for more. 2017 had clearly turned my world upside down in all the right ways. Now I'm two and a half months into 2018. And I'm already saying, with a big grin, 'Come through, 2018. I'm ready for you.' I am honestly happy that amid the glory that was 2017, I was aware enough to note the lessons that would help make 2018 even better.

1. Pay closer attention to money matters.

In 2017, I made a very firm decision to fix all my money matters once and for all. I decided that I would pursue my best financial self in a way I never had before. I scrutinised my spending habits - the lies I had bought about the kind of lifestyle a mid-professional is supposed to afford, the appearances I had unwittingly kept up - to my own financial demise. And then I researched. I looked for strategies that actually worked. I looked for institutions that had great customer support and programmes that would help me to get where I wanted to be. And then I changed. I took on a pauper's lifestyle. But with the knowledge that today-s sacrifice is only the precursor to tomorrow's success. So I ended the year broke, but aware of exactly where all that money was or had gone. And also very aware of what I was building with every dollar that no longer lay idly in my pocket.

2. Go hard an' dun'.

This is the truth. For years, I've been hearing that God allows rain to fall on the just and the unjust. But it was always explained to mean that God is so benevolent, he allows even the undeserving ('unjust') to experience the goodness of his rain. Nobody ever flipped that meaning for me, and it was through my life's experiences and observations that I realised that it really meant that anything can happen to anyone at any time - good or bad. Which is why playing it safe is an exercise in futility. Life is meant to be lived. And hiding from that fact - denying it, ignoring it - will never serve you. So I upped the ante in several areas of my life. I just went all-in at yet another level. And it yielded fruits. Abundant fruits. Good fruits. I witnessed acceleration, connection and promotion like I'd never experienced it before. All because I chose to abandon inhibitions and forget to be afraid of the bad things that could happen, and just jump in and give everything.

3. Push everything.

There is always another level. And the minute you become aware of that, you can accelerate your own growth process by PUSHING for more. The minute you achieve something, or see maturity in yourself, acknowledge it and appreciate it, but don't settle and get comfortable. You grow quicker when you immediately remind yourself that yes, this is awesome, but there is another, even more magnificent level just out of reach. Immediately envision and start going for more, and you'll soon be realising it. I've applied this to projects, friendships ... it works. I try to exercise wisdom and not be a burden, but I also push as a safeguard against my own laziness and complacency. And so far, it has worked every time.

4. Appreciate the value of now.

I always have to remind myself of this when I have clothes to wash. I don't have a washing machine, so I handwash my clothes, and when there is a lot of sunshine on a particular day and I don't feel like washing, I say to myself: You can't save today's sunshine for tomorrow. It's true. The weather for the next day could be cloudy, or rainy. And then how would my clothes get dried? Or, the way life happens, I could get a project to do that takes up all of the following day, or get injured at the gym ... So many things could happen to stop me from being able to wash my clothes the following day; wisdom is to use the time I am sure of - NOW - to get the job done.

5. Listen to your instincts.

At some point in your life, you must learn to trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. And this trust must be grounded in something deeper, more reliable and more concrete than ego or self-deceit. It's madness to alsways be depending on another person or being's opinion to figure out your life. It's your life. You have to take full responsibility for it. A crucial part of that is learning to listen to your own instincts. Learn to identify the subtle push and pull, the quiet tug of your heart, that intrinsic part of you that just knows ... and listen to it. It's on your side. And the simple fact is, you can't really ever be sure that anyone else is.

6. Unless they're relevant, leave old things in old times.

This is another realisation you must make at some point in your life: the past is the past; leave it there. I just did a big step over certain stories that had been replaying continuously in my mind. I just kinda looked at them, saw their futility and uselessness, and stepped over them on my way to more productive things. I have so many days and years on Planet Earth. I wil not waste another minute trying to relive or undo or fix the past. No. I'm over it. Moving on.

7. Risk.

I won't say much on this except that there will come a time in your life when you meet one goal, or project, or purpose, or person that is worth abandoning loads of other things for. When it all feels quietly and solidly right, and is helping to push your life in the right direction, accept it, embrace it, and ride that wave to the very end. And if it turns out to carry a cliche name like falling in love, and by your estimation is worth its weight, take the plunge. Go ahead and fall.

8. Hit F5.

That's right. Frequently press 'Refresh'. On everything. It makes sense to just periodically reset your entire life: your friendships, goals, money, perspectives. Never become so settled that your once-fresh perspectives stagnate without your knowing. Keep hitting refresh. Keep checking your belief system, your core values ... watch yourself change and grow and develop, and, every now and then, just take a fresh look at you and appreciate the expanded perspective, the renewed sense of purpose ... the evolving human being ...

Cuba Chronicles: My Trip In Photos

My two weeks in Cuba were an exercise in catch and release. I caught glimpses of architectural and cultural beauty beyond compare. And I released myself to the experience completely.

Here are some of my highlights - in photos.

Cuba Chronicles: Relearning Patience with Dial-Up Internet

So I’ve never been a particularly patient person. I know that I like the fast life precisely because it is exactly that: fast. No tedious hours of waiting and waiting and oh so boring waiting. So. Imagine with me the agony I feel even as I type this blog post, and wait patiently for the characters to appear on the screen long after I have typed them. Imagine what I feel when I cannot make a WhatsApp call and stay on the phone all night with my beloved because - well - that's just not how it's done here. 

To be honest, the Internet in Cuba is not bad. It's just slower than what I'm used to. And they say you never know what you've got till it's gone - even temporarily.

I have taken deep breaths, messaged my people to let them know I will be more out of than in touch with them for the next two weeks, and come to terms with the fact that old-world charm is not always all that charming.

Funny thing is, I knew that I would not have Internet for most of my time here. I just hadn't stopped to truly appreciate the full implications of that thought. I somehow still expected to be able to WhatsApp and Insta and tweet and blog to my heart's content. I hadn't formed a concrete concept of what 'no Internet' or very little Internet would look and feel like.

There's so much to learn from this revelation. I realise I'm probably as spoilt as any other millenial. And even though I have prided myself on not being attached to all my worldly trappings, apparently I still have more than a passing love affair with some. Cuba is proving that - and showing me some heretofore obscured aspects of myself.

I almost got miserable at the prospect of no readily accessible Internet yesterday. I wanted to share moments from my day with others and couldn't. I wanted to do a blog and post immediately, but couldn't. Eventually, I put down the phone and opened my ears and eyes to the beautiful wonders of this foreign land. 

Cuba is aesthetically amazing. Its rich architectural history has been painstakingly preserved. It's reputation for revolution and rebellion is heralded in every story tourists are fed. They are a simple people, and yet they are a proud people. They have an identity forged through separation from the rest of the Americanised world that has also manifested in a sense of national pride. I like that. I'm enjoying hearing about that. And seeing the relics of times I have only read about.

And I can't help thinking, thank goodness there is no phone or Internet to distract me from absorbing and fully engaging all this marvelous country has to offer. There is a calm that can come with disconnection. Funny. I'm just learning something the Cubans already know.