How do you explain a perpetually optimistic friend who seems to live by the belief that, regardless of how horrible things may seem, everything will be ok?
Who never seems perturbed by anything, and never complains to you about problems (does she have any?) and never seems to undergo the poverbial identity crisis?
How do you explain a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and shows almost no sign of pain or remorse about it?
Who rarely even talks about it and rarely ever goes through distress about anything?
Who seems constantly confident and behaves like she knows what's she wants and where she's headed?
How do you explain a friend like that?? Especially when you're in the middle of a mess and feeling woefully inadequate yourself?
The discussion revolved around relationships, and how hers was going up-the-mountain-down-the-mountain so often that her emotions were swimming in a nasty roller-coaster that seemed to me more like a manipulative web weaved by the (I must admit) very handsome and charming love of her life.
There I was telling this friend about my epiphany:
- how I discovered that latching on to people for dear life was a destructive habit, especially when the 'latcher' is an ambitious, somewhat clingy young woman, and the 'latchee' is a young gentleman with top-of-the-line executive responsibilities hailing from the one and only clannishly repulsive all-male's hall in our most prestigious university;
- that sometimes it's best to just stop trying to be validated by things and people and groups, and step apart from all that and find validation in your mere existence;
- that the type of confusion she was experiencing comes in large part from trying so hard to shape yourself into what everyone else wants you to be instead of just being what your merry heart desires and then allowing other people fall in place around that.
There I was thinking I was being a supportive friend, explaining that while I did not have the answer, and could not, like my grandmother recommend bay rum as a universal panacea for her aching heart, I could offer the encouragement that the storm would not last always and that at the end of this very turbulent season, she would have grown and developed into an even more beautiful and self-assured individual.
This wonderful friend of mine looked at me and explained that she thought I was insecure and afraid, and that that was the real reason why I was not in a relationship right now, and that that was why I broke up with last mister, and that that was why I was trying to explain everything away with this mumbo-jumbo love-yourself, independence speech...
She said that the real reason why I was going around vomitting all this sunshine nad spouting all this optimism and assurance was that I was insecure and afraid.
I sat back in stunned silence. Wow. Look'a that. Insecure and afraid. Hmph...
15 comments:
Psyho-analyze that!
Hey Ruthi, I honestly didn't know you were back to writing here. I'm soo late. Glad you're here.
Hey, well you might possibly have fear. Although, I gotta put my foot down around the insecure part. You put yourself out there. You speak your mind. You believe in yourself.
I don't know if your good attitude and decision to not be with this man has anything to do with insecurity.
now...fear, is a different thing all together.
However, believing in yourself and the world around you. Knowing that good overcomes evil. Right is more powerful than wrong.
Anyway, that's all a big babble to let you know, I think Ruthi is onto something good.
What I find most interesting is the turn your friend took by putting the spotlight on you. I think, given her reaction, what she really wanted was sympathy and not advice, even if the advice was good. So don't take anything she said to heart... I believe she just didn't hearing what she wanted to hear and therefore took it out on you somehow.
Or maybe you're just a positive person who chooses not to dwell in dark places. Perhaps offering her that sunshine was your way of helping her out of her own dark place. She didn't understand it. It's okay. You did your best. :)
Sometimes, no matter how hard one may try, one cany never get it right when it comes to advise and / or sympathy. Which is required when? How should it be doled out? What is the mindset for the individual? Should I even bother?
Her reaction was very interesting, and sad though it may be, though you may have been utterly confident, she may now have planted a seed of doubt within...(?)
wow. I hope her back-handed slap didn't leave a bruise. But it obviously left a sting. At least your heart will live longer - having a better outlook on life. She sounds jealous of your patience.
...but you're a good friend. That would've fixed a broken me. :o)
wow... well i guess you been told... tek dat, put it in yo pipe and mek crapo smoke it...
seriously though... people who are hurting often lash out at those who are trying to help ease their pain... and advice can sometimes feel like criticism to them... this is the nature of the human beast i'm afraid...
That was a mean-spirited response on her part, intended to hurt and to deflect attention away from her pain which is probably caused by the same things she's accusing you of. Been there, Ruthie, so can understand the kind of soul-searching it produces. Yes, you are probably insecure about something, who knows. And yes, you are probably afraid of something, who knows. And yes, you are probably over-cautious about getting into the wrong kind of relationship. But only you can know those things, and the people who love you will point them out gently and help you move past them, not fling it in your face like a chimmy full a piss! Press on m'dear. Give her and yourself some space to breathe.
Ruthie,
agree with LB, i feel sorry for the woman, if she ever gets to where you are now she would have made mega progress. you're a good friend.
its so important to realize that you can't look for validation from external forces. that that will set you up and trip you up eventually. people, both men and women focus on the wrong things, motivated by a search for status and respect. i'm glad you seem to realize how hollow such preoccupations can be.
I have learnt the hard way to be very measured when speaking to people about their relationships.Generally, I find people expect coddling and when you keep it real you get "attacked". Maybe she knew you were right but is unwilling to admit it
thanks Jacki.. yeah, I've been back here a while... but better late than never, lol :)
@areyou... lmao... child, you're as sappy as I am... but I sure appreciate it right now.
@everyone: thanks much. I honestly never really took her comment to heart, understanding that she was really agitated and upset at the time. One of my annoyingly anti-human attributes is the ability (not always easy, but i make the choice, right?) to forgive and forget. Hate and malice takes too much good energy. So no, there is no bruise, no sting and definitely no resentment. People are people: emotions, moods, mistakes and all. I get that.
And I understand also why she would think that I'm afraid and insecure, because, well, how else do you explain a human being who contradicts your idea of what human (weaknesses, faults, inscurities and all) should be...
I can't say I have no insecurities. But I do beleive with all my little heart that the attitude I have now is the best one I can take at this point in my life. So I dont think the decisions I made based on my decision to accept me for me and not get entangled in external opinions is coming from a place of fear or insecurity. I'm not very bothered by this incident in that way.
Life has no learning curve... it's just a straight line.
Ruthi, I'm just catching up on all you've written since you've been back.
On this post, your friend is the one who is insecure and afraid, afraid of being positive, afraid of being happy. I too burst with sunshine and am many rays of optimism. Some people find it inspirational, some people find it annoying, some people don't know how to interpret it so they just listen in disbelief. To each their own. No matter what though, to hell with them. There is a lot of good in the world despite all the chaos and tribulations.
thanx destiny
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